Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
