# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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