would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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