I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
