we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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