I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
