I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
