i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
