I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
