whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
