I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
