Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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