Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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