u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
