i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Pants are for mortals
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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