I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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