As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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