she takes plan B like it's going out of style
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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