he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
