Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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