WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
