ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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