Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
