Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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