They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
