Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
