My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
