Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
