I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
