I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
