my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
