just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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