I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
