even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
