On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
