I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
