I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
