3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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