He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
