And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
