do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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