Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
grandma shit on top of the toilet
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
