i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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