I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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