I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
