So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She's the barista slut.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
