so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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