So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
