i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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