I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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