How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
