I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
