Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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